We’re no strangers to the abuse our girls suffer in the name of getting married.
Most girls are told in every way from a young age, that the highlight of their lives in our wedding day. All of our happy times are limited to when we get married and after it. And around this clock of marriage and preparing for it, girls and their families are subjected to anxiety, shame,abuse and fear.
But why?
How is something that we associate with love,wealth, the future of our daughter and money we save for it, be so troublesome and embarrassing also.
Why are we so willing to put up with this kind of unjustified abuse?
Beyond just the wedding vows and woes, there is everything before the wedding. I’ve often heard girls say that they are only allowed to travel or dye their hair after they get married.
We are also often told that we can always continue our studies after the marriage, but that is never apart of the contract. We are also reminded that if we behave badly we will never be brides. ( or have a hard time finding a rishta)
We are of course told education is important, as we study into our early and mid twenties, everything changes. Our parents becomes anxious, and say things that promote the idea that marriage perhaps trumps education. Not that they mean it, but seeing everyone else’s daughter get married leaves our mothers with anxiety. They begin to taunt and trouble our sanity, all the while they are trying to help us, from their point of view.
What are we supposed to do?
What do the Brides do?
As young women we tend to feel both brave and powerless against this age old tide. But along the road we often give up, and give in to all the things we are told.
We believe that something is wrong with us (Joh bhi ho). We believe that until we learn how to cook,clean and manage a house something is wrong with us. We believe that because we are either too short,tall, fat, thin,educated or educated we are, we are not enough and incomplete.
At the root of which is being told this is why we aren’t marriage materiel. As told by everyone around us.
We do what is natural. We put on a brave face. We pretend not to bothered. We move on with the day and focus on anything else.
The suffering part comes in when we alone with our thoughts. All those negative comments mixed in with being told all your life that a wedding is the highlight of our life, mixed in with the fact every other movie or drama is about getting married.
So in the middle of the hurt and excitement we begin to believe that a perfect wedding is our success for the world to see. Something that will validate our feelings. We think that only then will we be complete and happy.
But that’s not true.
The Point
We don’t magically becomes perfect with a wedding and we don’t have to be perfect for it.
I understand that a wedding and marriage is both important and a big thing in our society. But we need to question some of our behavior around it, and look at the emotional price we are paying for it ( not just the financial ).
You should get married knowing that you will be safe and will not have to sacrifice who you are.
Koi app sey shadi kar key app key upper asaan nahi kar raha.
You deserve to be treated with respect and dignity, and not have your belongings insulted and misused.
There are plenty of stories of people asking for Jahez and then leaving it waste. How is a girl supposed to feel when her self esteem is attached to material wealth that her parents toil for, that her in-laws begged for, is nothing but waste. Who is more important here?
You Can Be Anything and a Bride
As one comedian said it ,’Pakistan main aur kuch na ho, logon ghi shadian hojati hain‘. Which is true.
Inshallah app key bhi ho hee gay ghi.
You don’t have to change your personality for it. You don’t to conform to some beauty standard to be worthy. You should not feel like you have to kiss your dreams away. You don’t have to look a certain way or be a certain way to be a bride.You don’t need to spend a fortune or wear expensive clothes.
All you have to do is sign a paper.
The thing is in life you will have to face to hardships any way. You will have to compromise on things any way. You may have set backs in your career any way. Children and a home will get in the way any way.
The point is not to be defeated by the idea of it alone. We are bigger than that, and we should strive to at least try and do something with our skills and talents.
And we deserve to feel good and happy about ourselves.
The End.
Maheen Ahmed – Writing to create culture
@lahore_la_notte
